Happy me

They don’t say Happy Anniversary if it’s not Happy right?

 

I cannot believe I made it. We made it. At this point, I told myself if nothing happens then we better call it quits. But no. He made it possible.ūüôā

 

A speech is necessary because celebrations are the only days we CANNOT have excuses for not saying one. I mean, these are the days which requires us to say one if we couldn’t on a regular day. This is it.

 

1st, there’s some sort of comfort. I never believed (although I noticed before) until we took a picture today for our Anniversary – we do look alike. And you know what they say for couples who do look alike? THEY END UP TOGETHER! Yahoo! hurrah for us! As in freakishly kung hindi lang malaki muka ko and kung wala ka lang facial hair I am so sure, papasang hindi manonotice ang face swaps natinūüôā

 

I remember that day (I never said date) that I specifically prayed for you to the Lord. I remember my exact words. It goes something like:

“Lord, sa sobrang sakit, please padatingin mo na siya. SI THE ONE. Gusto ko sana yung next is siya na. Please, kung hindi pa siya – wag muna. Ayoko muna. Pero kung siya na, please papasukin mo na siya sa buhay ko. Mali man dahil ang drive ko is masakit – pero sana Lord yugn susunod siya na talaga. Ayoko na kase magkamali. Ayoko na masaktan. Ayoko na umulit ulit.”

It wasn’t too long and it wasn’t too short na dumating ka sa buhay ko. Alam mo yun? Weirdly – when I get to like guys super I know from day 1. Eto ni hindi ko naisip na “pwede”. Pero look at where we are now? How did we even get here? I feel so thankful to the Lord that I think, He was right about you? And I was right that He is faithful and He also sent you? Why? One time we fought, I told myself until 7am lang kita hihintayin. I was praying so hard that morning that I know the Lord was hearing me. Alam mo bang kahit busy siya pinadala ka pa rin niya sakin at 6:59? I was never a fan or a believer of serendipity or meant to be. I have always believed in sudden coincidences. I know there might be more examples of these moments where the Lord was giving me hints that I shouldn’t let you go. No matter how much I think of it, I really believe you are the one.

 

I always give thanks and praise the Lord for whatever circumstance I am in. Whenever I feel hurt, I feel happy, victorious, defeated, etc – I talk to the Lord and tell Him how I am still grateful for this life He let me borrow. Kapag nag-aaway tayo I always pray na sana matauhan na ako and sana magkalakas ako ng loob to call it quits. Actually, kayang kaya ko naman gawin e. Alam mo yung feeling na may pumipigil? I know what I am capable of doing. Hello lagi nga ako nananakot, nagddare ng breaking up right? But somehow, even when I am so decided – it’s like something in me holds me back. Not because of the tenure we are together. Not because plainly of the love – because you were never that showy but because of this some sort of level of trust I have with you. Mahalang mahalaga kase pala talaga sakin yon. And because of that level of trust that I have with you, everything else follows. Pati yung love mong hindi kjo mafeel or makita, dahil sa trust ko sayo – I know it’s just there.

 

I feel happy that whenever I am sad, hindi man ikaw nagsasalita – you always make me happy with your jokes. You help me made my outlook in life very hopeful and positive. You fill me with fun and laughter. I love your humor. Sometimes, I really don’t understand. But I know it’s making me laugh. I love you. Thank you for 730 days of a roller coaster love.

Afraid of being taken… taken for granted

t

Often times, woman exert more in a relationship. They give time, they take care, they give love. I don’t know. Women are naturally like that. When I saw the photo above in Facebook, immediately I downloaded it. I think most people will be able to relate to it. But most people don’t know it.¬†

“Almost Is Never Enough”
(with Nathan Sykes)

I’d like to say we gave it a try
I’d like to blame it all on life
Maybe we just weren’t right, but that’s a lie, that’s a lie

And we can deny it as much as we want
But in time our feelings will show

‘Cause sooner or later
We’ll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

Almost, almost is never enough
So close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me the way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn’t be two worlds apart
But right here in each other’s arms

And we almost, we almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough

If I could change the world overnight
There’d be no such thing as goodbye
You’d be standing right where you were
And we’d get the chance we deserve

Try to deny it as much as you want
But in time our feelings will show

‘Cause sooner or later
We’ll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

Almost, almost is never enough
So close to being in love
If I would have known that you wanted me the way I wanted you
Then maybe we wouldn’t be two worlds apart
But right here in each other’s arms

And we almost, we almost knew what love was
But almost is never enough

Oh, oh baby, you know, you know, baby
Almost, baby, is never enough, baby
You know

And we can deny it as much as we want
But in time our feelings will show

‘Cause sooner or later
We’ll wonder why we gave up
The truth is everyone knows

Almost, almost is never enough (is never enough, babe)
We were so close to being in love (so close)
If I would have known that you wanted me the way I wanted you (babe)
Then maybe we wouldn’t be two worlds apart
But right here in each other’s arms

And we almost, we almost knew what love was (baby)
But almost is never enough

Oh, oh baby, you know, you know, baby
Almost is never enough baby
You know

Okay, so that was weird. When I started singing I just felt it was so off. Haha. 
Untitled
Lagi ko na lang kase problem sa kanya when he doesn’t pick up his fone. He doesn’t answer. He’s not updating. I don’t know what he’s doing, I don’t know where he is. Sometimes, even when he has load, kahit pantawag hala siya minsan isang beses lang nagpapalitan ng messages and pak. Ayon tapos na ang araw. Sometimes I cry to him when I have PMS and complain a lot. Sometimes, I speak to him nicely and tell him please contact me. I don’t have trust issues with this man. It’s just that – sometimes it’s my way of proving if he is really thinking of me.¬†
t
Heller ako pa ba mawalan ng effort? Naku mas ginaganahan ako pag kunwari magugulat na lang ako he’s calling. Mas gusto ko siya makita and alagaan. I have nothing bad against him. May mga tao lang talagang hindi matext / matawag. Pero I know naman that he’s thinking of me. I am just not his priority.¬†

Lalin

 

Lalin is a very eye-awakening short film for a lot of people today. It signifies how social statuses are now. People pretend a lot to fit in or to be accepted by people. 

But I guess at the end of the day, there will still be that one person who knows who you really are and who will love you for you. 

My dear Papa

A special entry.

Hi Pops, 

You’re eating in front of me right now. It’s precisely 3:10pm, Saturday. I pity you. I couldn’t dare myself to look at you. Here comes your Viber, it’s beeping again. If I do not know how to value the things we worked hard for and if I wasn’t raised well and forgot I have respect, I would’ve thrown that phone or probably set it on the stove fire.¬†

Every now and then I look at you and how you eat. I pity you. Not because when I look at you I know I have lost all the respect I have for you but because I am afraid that one day, I won’t even be there to be with you from a distance, looking at you eat.¬†

I don’t know if you noticed. I was already crying. I am just stopping myself. Even when I don’t look at you, even when we’re not speaking to each other, even if we don’t have any interaction – simply being with you hurts me. A lot.¬†

I am afraid that one day, you will lose everything – just like I had my share of nothing. It was a scary feeling, when I felt I was alone, when I felt everyone was against me. I felt so scared to feel the way I was feeling before because even though I lived with you and everybody in one house, I felt I was a mere boarder – where I had nowhere to go so I had to endure all the pain I was feeling of being alone. Pops, it’s hard. And mind you, I don’t EVER wanna go back to that moment anymore.¬†

On the other hand, I give praise and thanks to the Lord for He is good. I had to feel and learn everything the hard way. But the rewards I had after were so overwhelming. It took me time to figure things out and to learn the value of things and to understand them. But the good part is, I learned the lesson. My question is, will you ever learn yours?

I didn’t know I could hate and love a person at the same time. I love you because of all the things you did for me, I wouldn’t be Justine if not for you. I am truly grateful for all the comfort I am feeling right now, and I know it is all because of you. Thank you for the inspiration to always aim for the better if not the best. Thank you for the teachings and the values and all the lessons. I love you for all the right reasons. But I hate you for one thing – I hate the way you are.¬†

Ever since I was little you kept instilling in me that I hold grudges towards people especially my family. I think for the first time I will have to rebut and explain myself. I NEVER HOLD GRUDGES POPS. Did you ever hear me out? Did you ever figure out what I felt without judging me first? I repeat. I never hold grudges. I just react and respond late. I might’ve written ¬†it somewhere or said it to anyone. And whenever you caught it, it felt like it make you look bad. And this act, you always said – STOP HOLDING GRUDGES. So I would repeat. I never did. I just say my feelings late.¬†

If you have given me the opportunity to react and confess my feelings on the spot then it wouldn’t have seem like a grudge. You never listened. Well maybe you did you never tried to understand. You just let it go.¬†

If I ever hold grudges then I wouldn’t have kept any single tiny respect for you. Even when there are plans of being broken and separation, why do I feel like I will be the only person left by your side to take care of you? Me. Yes me. You’ve always ONLY cared about my siblings and what they would think or feel. You always look for Marianne or Tiago or Alexis even when they don’t like being with you. You don’t mind waking me up in the afternoon with your shouting even when I am tired from work ¬†just because you’re looking for Alexis and you wanted to show her something. You NEVER asked for me to show me anything. You never shared anything with me because all you wanted was them.¬†

Pops, you know why you keep on doing the things you’re doing? Because you were NEVER sensitive of my feelings. You probably forgot I was cheated on too? You probably forgot that it took me years to get over a guy you hated for me when you’re actually doing the same thing too. You probably forgot that it was so painful that I cried my heart out and I never felt I could cry in the house. Yes Pops. Even when I hate you right now, I am still giving you the benefit of the doubt.¬†

I still love you though. Even when I don’t want to. My heart still loves and respects you. I will not stop praying for you. But I hope you don’t give up on yourself.¬†

That’s the thing

 

That’s the thing about people. Bata, matanda, babae, lalaki, iba na kase ang generation ngayon. People have their own ways of being smarty. They pretend they know everything. They pretend they know a lot. They pretend there’s nothing wrong. But everything actually is.

I was once like this. Before I was even redeemed by the Lord, I felt I was on top of everything. I know what I was doing, I felt I was the smartest person alive. I thought I knew how to figure things out on my own. I go to church services every Sunday and I pray everyday. Everything seemed too plainly educational for me.

When I knew how to work around things, how to justify things, that’s when it became scary. I always had a way out. I had every excuses up my sleeve. I basically knew how to make things work and manipulate. It was so deadly. I stopped praying. I started to rely on my own capabilities and strength. I stopped seeking for the Lord.

That’s when He took a lot from me. Good thing He didn’t take everything.¬†

 

After the Lord taught me that lesson, now I know how to see clearer the value in things. I was arrogant and self-centered. Feeling ko kaya ko lahat. Honestly, I couldn’t. Naaawa ako sa mga tao around me because they haven’t had that encounter with the Lord in Him taking everything. I don’t want them to suffer the way I did. Naiinis ako when people don’t see the wrong in their actions. All the more that keep on sinning.¬†

I am not making sense. Naiinis lang talaga ako. Paano kaya sila magbabago?

Current Mood

Being in a relationship is almost impossible for me. After the silliness I had to go through with my jerk ex-boyfriend, it was almost impossible to like a person. But love have it’s way.¬†

 

After him, I tried one more time and took a risk in love. I couldn’t really say I already took the risk. But you can put it somehow that way. I am a person who loves deeply and gives my everything. I make sure I give my 100% in loving because in return, that’s how I want to be loved. I always wanna pour out to one person. But no matter how nice he is, at some point, he will still hurt you.¬†

Athazagoraphobia is the fear of being forgotten or ignored and fear of forgetting.

I wish he would see me as this. There were so many times he hurt me emotionally because he couldn’t meet my expectations. And here I am, still hoping that one day he’ll want to meet it. He may find someone in his level and love him for who he is and not expecting anything. But he will never find anyone like me who can still love him in spite of everything.¬†

IN THE VERGE OF GIVING UP

For the longest time I have been asking myself why couldn’t he see my worth? Until now, I am still trying to battle with that thought. When we are together, I can feel he loves me. Not as deep and strong as I feel for him. But I know he does. Apparently, when we’re away, I couldn’t feel him. I wonder what he thinks of me. I wonder if I have to die first in front of him for him to see my worth. I just couldn’t feel it.

 

 

I don’t think he’d ever see my worth. That’s the sad thing.¬†

WAAAAH PLEASE REPEAT 10X!!! Syempre pangarap ito ng bawat babae. Ang ipagsigawang mahal siya. 

 

WORD. Need I say more?

He’s always like this towards me. Sana eto wag niya baguhin. Sana wag siya mapagod. Best attitude and trait pa naman niya to. I am so cranky.

 

Pero natatakot ako na one day, pag hinding hindi ko na kaya, magwawalk out na lang ako ng walang sabi. At walang balikan. Ayoko naman mangyari sa kanya yung araw na yon. 

 

Read this when you‚Äôre tired of everything

Source: http://brightside.me/article/read-this-when-youre-tired-of-everything-20255/?image=11055

We¬†found an¬†article which presents an¬†unusual perspective for dealing with tiredness. We¬†recommend that you take a¬†deep breath, read it¬†‚ÄĒ and follow its advice.

I know what it‚Äôs like to¬†feel tired¬†‚ÄĒ and not just in¬†the physical sense.

The world that we live in is an exhausting place to be. It is wearing. It is thankless. It is endlessly trying and scarcely rewarding. You’re tired simply because you live in it. You’re tired of loving too much, caring too much, giving too much to a world that never gives anything back. You are tired of investing in indefinite outcomes. You’re tired of uncertainties. Tired of grey.

I¬†know you haven‚Äôt always been this worn out¬†‚ÄĒ that there was a¬†time when you were hopeful and pure. When your optimism outweighed your cynicism and you had an¬†infinite amount in¬†you to¬†give. I¬†know you have been chipped away and worn down piece by¬†piece¬†‚ÄĒ a¬†broken heart here and an¬†un-kept promise there. I¬†know the world hasn‚Äôt always been kind throughout the games you‚Äôve played and that you‚Äôve lost more times than you have ever won. I¬†know you‚Äôre feeling uninspired to¬†try again. I¬†know.

Because the truth is, we’re all tired. Every single one of us. By a certain age, we are all nothing more than an army of broken hearts and aching souls, desperately searching for fulfillment. We want more but we’re too tired to ask for it. We’re sick of where we are but we are too scared to begin again. We need to take risks but we’re afraid to watch it all come crashing down around us. After all, we’re not sure how many times we will be able to start over.

We¬†all think we‚Äôre alone in¬†our exhaustion. But the truth is¬†we‚Äôre tired of¬†each other¬†‚ÄĒ tired of¬†the games we¬†play and the lies we¬†tell and the uncertainties we¬†present to¬†each other. We¬†don‚Äôt want to¬†play the villain but we¬†don‚Äôt want to¬†play the fool either. So¬†our guards go¬†up. Our defences rile. And we¬†take on¬†the role that we¬†loathe to¬†see played because we‚Äôre not sure what choice we¬†have left.

I know how impossible it can feel to go on trying and giving and becoming when you are exhausted straight through to the soul. I know that the cheerful ideals you were once promised now seem tired and hopeless. But here’s what I beg if you’re this close to giving up: give it one more try, with feeling. I know you’re tired of your attempts. I know that you’re at your wit’s end. But the truth about that second wind of passion is that you’re never going to realize you have it if you do not keep on running past your first.

We’re all more resilient than we think, and that’s an indisputable truth. There is always more love that we are capable of giving, more hope that we are capable of having, more passion that we’re capable of unleashing and flooding out into the world. We just don’t walk far enough down our own roads to reach the point where we’re seeing those actions pay off. We want immediate results and when we see none, we give up. We let the exhaustion stop us. We grow frustrated with the lack of feedback and we assume that means we have to throw the entire attempt right out the window.

Because here‚Äôs something we¬†all loathe to¬†admit¬†‚ÄĒ none of¬†us are inspired every day. We¬†all get exhausted. We¬†all get discouraged. And we‚Äôre allowed to¬†work on¬†through those feelings. Just because you‚Äôre beaten down and worn out and sick of¬†the life that you‚Äôre living doesn‚Äôt mean you‚Äôre not making a¬†change. Every person you have ever admired has had times where they felt utterly defeated in¬†the pursuit of¬†their dreams. But that didn‚Äôt prevent them from reaching them. You‚Äôre allowed to¬†stumble slowly towards your biggest transformations. It¬†doesn‚Äôt always have to¬†be¬†a¬†blazing, flagrant affair.

Some parts of life happen quietly. They happen slowly. They happen because of the small, careful choices that we make everyday, that turn us into better versions of ourselves. We have to allow ourselves the time to let those alterations happen. To watch them evolve. To not grow hopelessly frustrated in the in-between.

When you’re tired, go slowly. Go quietly. Go timidly. But do not stop. You are tired for all the right reasons. You are tired because you’re supposed to be. You’re tired because you’re making a change. You are exhausted for all the right reasons and it’s only an indication to go on. You are tired because you’re growing. And someday that growth will give way to the exact rejuvenation that you need.’