My English is really bad, I just wanna get over this.
Sometimes, I want to believe that I am strong. But seriously, its just my arrogance.
I am going to name you after my best friend. But I lost him now, that’s a different story. But I changed my mind.
You know, I have this really painful wound by my biggest toe due to an almost-failed pedicure attempt with my therapist. She’s the pedicurist I have since then and she wounded be big time just now. I don’t know what happened, probably because I had a pedicure a week ago for my birthday and couldn’t wait for her – so my skin is pretty much thin now. And it’s painful. But there’s too much intro in this entry already. BTW, Teal is becoming one of my favorite colors now. I don’t know why. And I seem to have the same manicure color now. (Will insert photos later)
After I walked Cosmo (my dog) this afternoon I felt pain. When I checked it, it was open and was bleeding. I am so afraid of blood and bleeding that I felt my hands froze. I tried cleaning it for the mean time until I took a bath this evening. So when I was cleaning my wound, I looked for my medicine ointment so that it would close sooner than expected. I had that when I got into that accident. My sister Jay who was wounded because of her soccer match needed it because her wound is really yucky. As in majorly. I offered it to her because I remember my wound closing and leaving no scars. She hates scars. When it was time to get it back, I couldn’t find it on her usual spot. So I asked her where it was. Apparently, she’s busy to look for it. I was in so much pain, something that I am just trying to bear. You see, ingrowns or any wounds related/connected to the nails and toe skins are one of the most painful wounds a female could get. And this one. I could really say it is sooo painful.
Bottomline, I had an argument with Jay. She was yelling at me and claiming she was yelling because I was yelling at her. Oh my. Believe me. I wasn’t. I’ve managed to control my anger, my pain and whatever I am feeling over the past months so I know I wasn’t even close to yelling. I almost snapped. I asked her not to yell at me. Then my little brother Fifth intervened and asked Jay not to yell as well. He was lecturing that the neighbors will hear us and that we should be ashamed. I was so angry at Jay’s reaction. “Wala akong pakialam sa kanila kase mas maingay sila sakin.” I hated myself for not being able to discipline her as an older sister. Moreso, I hate myself for not being able to be in control over her and tell her what not to do.
She went downstairs and pretended to look for my ointment in a place where it wasn’t even there in the first place. She came back inside her room yelling and shouting that she didn’t wanna look for it and that I was disturbing her whatever she was doing. She was yelling on top of her voice. Fifth mentioned that I am her big sister and that she should respect me. “Ate mo yan e. Konting respeto naman” Fifth said to Jay. I cried, without showing anyone. I got hurt. I wanna thank Fifth for seeing me that way that even if I didn’t do anything good in this family, the fact that its the right thing to do, he still respects me because he needs to and he’s asked to.
When Jay found the ointment where it was being looked for in the first place, she yelled at me more and told me a lot of hurtful things. That one thing I couldn’t forget that punched my heart was, “Bakit ko rerespetuhin yan? E hindi naman ako nirerespeto nyan.” Something like that. I went inside my room and started blogging.
I couldn’t remember a time where I was rude to her or that I didn’t show respect for her at all. And it broke my heart. So i ended up bursting in tears inside my room where no one could see and no one could hear.
I couldn’t remember that time wherein I cried right away after being hurt. I have always delayed and avoided that feeling. I haven’t cried for a long time and felt this was an outburst I shouldn’t neglect. I felt the pain and wanted to run to you. I wanted to tell someone how I felt that moment and I wanted someone to be there for me during that painful moment of my life. How could she say that to me? How can someone be so insensitive and say that to me? I didn’t deserve those words and that treatment. I didn’t do anything to her.
Eto na naman ako sa I don’t deserve. I’m sorry I forgot. Its the world’s nature to be unfair, that’s why I shouldn’t be asking why things happened to me even if I didn’t deserve it. I just got shocked. Ansakit nung sinabi niya. tumagos sa puso ko. Naiyak na lang ako bigla. And I don’t even know where to go from here. I just felt I wanted to let it out. Just like the old times. When I had you, my best friend.
…the rest is left in my heart to rot.