At a very early age of 23, I told myself that I have 2 years to prepare in having a family. I’ve never felt so excited in having more responsibilities added to whatever burden I have right now.
After my ex-boyfriend left me, I know to myself that everything I have planned for will go down the waste, which is why it is more painful than him cheating on me. Its actually the preparation that went to waste. All the hopes and the dreams I’ve ever dreamed of, its all going down somewhere when I don’t even make sense now. I think I should probably get to my point.
I kept on denying to people, even to myself that whenever I come across people getting married, having babies and starting a family I feel this twinge in my heart. I may not be as ready as people think I am. I myself am doubting in the readiness I have in myself. Financially, first and foremost, I know I couldn’t bear a child yet, with or without the support of a father. 2nd, I believe that almost 100% of the women I know who gave birth didn’t say it was an easy one. Most of them actually tell me its the crying of the baby when it comes out is just the consolation prize of the pain you felt. 100% of the women I know who gave birth didn’t want to have another child any time soon. It was too painful and too hard to tell. I am scared of pain.
Lastly, no matter how much I wanted a baby of my own, I KNOW IN MY HEART that I wanted to get married first. What is it about all these teenage pregnancies, (no offense to my friends, I love you all) and waiting? I’m not saying that I’m trying to be righteous and perfect. Its just that if you wanted to build a family, why not get married first? If you’re after the pleasure of sensual sensation then make sure you do not get pregnant because its the baby who will suffer. This is probably the reason why God didn’t give me shocking pregnancies. Its probably because He knows that I will only drag an innocent down to a mistake I made and brought upon myself.
For the friends I have who’s able to read this, don’t get me wrong. I love your babies and I think they’re all cute. Its just that I am speaking for myself. And I couldn’t bear dragging an innocent baby down just because I couldn’t sustain the decision I made for myself. And I couldn’t bear the additional disappointment I will give my parents just because I made them lolo and lola at a very early age.
I’m actually scared that the later I have a baby, the riskier it gets for both our health. I wish things were easy to accept. I couldn’t wait to be mom. I want her to be the reason why I would save myself from being totally destructed from my wasted self. I self pity a lot my dad said. But its probably because I do not want others to pity me in real life.