My dear Papa

A special entry.

Hi Pops, 

You’re eating in front of me right now. It’s precisely 3:10pm, Saturday. I pity you. I couldn’t dare myself to look at you. Here comes your Viber, it’s beeping again. If I do not know how to value the things we worked hard for and if I wasn’t raised well and forgot I have respect, I would’ve thrown that phone or probably set it on the stove fire. 

Every now and then I look at you and how you eat. I pity you. Not because when I look at you I know I have lost all the respect I have for you but because I am afraid that one day, I won’t even be there to be with you from a distance, looking at you eat. 

I don’t know if you noticed. I was already crying. I am just stopping myself. Even when I don’t look at you, even when we’re not speaking to each other, even if we don’t have any interaction – simply being with you hurts me. A lot. 

I am afraid that one day, you will lose everything – just like I had my share of nothing. It was a scary feeling, when I felt I was alone, when I felt everyone was against me. I felt so scared to feel the way I was feeling before because even though I lived with you and everybody in one house, I felt I was a mere boarder – where I had nowhere to go so I had to endure all the pain I was feeling of being alone. Pops, it’s hard. And mind you, I don’t EVER wanna go back to that moment anymore. 

On the other hand, I give praise and thanks to the Lord for He is good. I had to feel and learn everything the hard way. But the rewards I had after were so overwhelming. It took me time to figure things out and to learn the value of things and to understand them. But the good part is, I learned the lesson. My question is, will you ever learn yours?

I didn’t know I could hate and love a person at the same time. I love you because of all the things you did for me, I wouldn’t be Justine if not for you. I am truly grateful for all the comfort I am feeling right now, and I know it is all because of you. Thank you for the inspiration to always aim for the better if not the best. Thank you for the teachings and the values and all the lessons. I love you for all the right reasons. But I hate you for one thing – I hate the way you are. 

Ever since I was little you kept instilling in me that I hold grudges towards people especially my family. I think for the first time I will have to rebut and explain myself. I NEVER HOLD GRUDGES POPS. Did you ever hear me out? Did you ever figure out what I felt without judging me first? I repeat. I never hold grudges. I just react and respond late. I might’ve written  it somewhere or said it to anyone. And whenever you caught it, it felt like it make you look bad. And this act, you always said – STOP HOLDING GRUDGES. So I would repeat. I never did. I just say my feelings late. 

If you have given me the opportunity to react and confess my feelings on the spot then it wouldn’t have seem like a grudge. You never listened. Well maybe you did you never tried to understand. You just let it go. 

If I ever hold grudges then I wouldn’t have kept any single tiny respect for you. Even when there are plans of being broken and separation, why do I feel like I will be the only person left by your side to take care of you? Me. Yes me. You’ve always ONLY cared about my siblings and what they would think or feel. You always look for Marianne or Tiago or Alexis even when they don’t like being with you. You don’t mind waking me up in the afternoon with your shouting even when I am tired from work  just because you’re looking for Alexis and you wanted to show her something. You NEVER asked for me to show me anything. You never shared anything with me because all you wanted was them. 

Pops, you know why you keep on doing the things you’re doing? Because you were NEVER sensitive of my feelings. You probably forgot I was cheated on too? You probably forgot that it took me years to get over a guy you hated for me when you’re actually doing the same thing too. You probably forgot that it was so painful that I cried my heart out and I never felt I could cry in the house. Yes Pops. Even when I hate you right now, I am still giving you the benefit of the doubt. 

I still love you though. Even when I don’t want to. My heart still loves and respects you. I will not stop praying for you. But I hope you don’t give up on yourself. 

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